Cute Guy, Bad Fashion

Good question. Why is everyone looking at you? It wouldn't have anything to do with that ironic-hipster faux-self-aware societal critique in turquoise you have on, now would it?

Or, it could just be your hair. Hard to tell.

Diesel "Why Is Everybody Looking at Me?" Tee, $45

Bad Fashion Song Lyrics

Here's something that really cheeses me off: when parents and school boards and obnoxious people in general get all whipped up into a froth about the "obscene" books their kids are reading in school, or how the world is so damn dangerous for their little angels, while it's completely accepted for kids to watch Katy Perry shoot whipped cream out of her bra (which may well be a post/rant for another time).

I will admit here and now that I am not a prude. I don't wince if someone uses the f-word and I'm not offended, per se, by undergarments that eject dairy product. I am, however, deeply offended by stupid and unoriginal artistry, e.g., Katy Perry. In her song "California Gurls," she sings:

California girls, we're unforgettable / Daisy dukes, bikinis on top

Daisy frigging dukes? I realize I live in New England where it's winter nine months out of the year, but I'm still pretty sure daisy dukes went out of style around the same time as colored denim and David Charvet.

Sex on a beach / We get sand in our stilettos

Great googly moogly. First of all, the concept of sex on a beach is such a worn-out cliché that there's a cheesy drink named after it. Secondly, someone wearing heels on the beach will look like a dumb-ass exactly 100% of the time.

We freak in my Jeep / Snoop Doggy Dogg on the stereo

Just don't poke David Charvet in the eye with a nozzle as you "freak" to romantic tracks like "Gz Up, Hoes Down." Just keep it coming, Katy, the jokes practically write themselves.

Image: screenshot taken from official music video at KatyPerryMusic on YouTube

Your Fashion Pet Peeves

I posted a question on Facebook a couple weeks ago, asking, "What's your biggest fashion pet peeve?" I myself have oodles of pet peeves, from wearing sunglasses indoors to white socks to hipsters wearing certain items "ironically", but I wanted to see what others secretly (or not-so-secretly) despised. Here are a few things that drive you nuts, in no particular order:

Douchebag baseball caps. These are becoming more and more ubiquitous within the younger set (kids today!). It's not the hat itself, per se, but the manner in which it's worn. Jen says, "It just sits on the top of their head loosely. It looks like it is about to fall off!" I might add that these hats never seem to be the correct size (always too big), and as Rob mentioned, have a perfectly straight brim and all the retail stickers still attached. I'm fairly certain this is some unexplained urban status symbol thing that I am far too old to understand, but reality check, kiddos. You look stupid.

Pants. Well, not all pants. Rob hates capri pants. Angela hates leggings as pants (agreed, leggings are non-pants). Both Kathryn and Samantha hate mens' skinny jeans, and Breanne hates low-rise. I hate pre-destroyed jeans, as I believe in breaking in your own denim. There are remarkably few pants that are not offensive. Pants are inherently evil.

Faddish footwear. "Freakin' Crocs!" was one of the very first responses to my query, which was unsurprising (preach to the choir, sister). Kathryn makes a bold statement, saying, "The gladiator sandal is so over." It would have to be, as now everyone I see wears some variation on this theme, making it mainstream and thus not fashion-forward. Dolls, I never said fashion wasn't exhausting!

Finally, my favorite answer came from Marc, who says he hates "People who wear clothes in general! Lets get primal again people!" But then what would I blog about?

New Era Boston Red Sox 59FIFTY Cap (bend your damn brim!), $35.99

Hump Day Hunk

There are few things in life that bring joy to my eyes more than a uniformed man. Olive drab is just a hunky color, I guess.

This particular man in uniform is the character Trevor LeBlanc of the Lifetime show Army Wives, which I've gotten completely roped into thanks to Netflix (but I'm only on Season 3 so no spoilers!). Trevor often hangs around his house dressed in Army fatigues, which is really all I need to nominate him for Hunkdom. Enjoy!

Photo: MyLifetime.com

The Great Shoe Cleanup of 2010

Forty-five pairs of shoes, two bags of trash, and one Sunday afternoon; dolls, my shoe closet is now clean. Upon completion, I updated my Facebook status to celebrate, only to hear "You have a shoe closet?? Jealous!!!" So, let me clarify: this "shoe closet" is at the expense of a spare linen closet. Not that I own linens. But whatever. My shoe storage situation is not as glamorous as I may have made it sound.

However. It. Is. Clean! Which is super-exciting, given where I'd started from. I've even taken to opening the door to the closet just to admire my work, and breathe in the sweet scent of organization (in my case, it smells like leather). But, believe it or not, this major cleanup was the easy part; the hard part will be to actually keep it that way. To successfully do this, I must remember the lessons I've learned:

1. Don't put anything away "for now." Because it's shameful to find fitness magazines from 2008 stuck in the back of your closet in 2010. Trust me.

2. Recycle your old running sneakers. Do this for two reasons. One, it's good karma for the planet. Two, old running sneakers smell like old running sneakers. You dig?

3. Stop buying flip flops. Just because they're as cheap as a latte doesn't mean you need 800,000 pairs of them. Not to mention, the cheap-cheap ones look like crap after one or two wearings. They're also reportedly bad for your feet. (Just another reason to love the 'Fingers?)

4. Know what you own. If you have a pretty good idea what's already in your closet, you'll be less likely to impulse-buy something similar to what you already have, thus saving your dough for only the truly fabulous finds. See also, number 3.

5. Beware of fast-fashion. In other words, don't buy cheap-o shoes. Now, I'm not going to get all smug like the fashion rags do and say that one must fork over hundreds of dollars for a decent pair of pumps, and that they're investments and such. They're not. They're shoes, and even the expensive ones pinch. But the fact is, the cheap ones don't last, don't look all that good, and leave us feeling guilty for buying them in the first place.

Cute Guy, Bad Fashion

I realize the following statement may sound horribly shallow, but: I believe that clothing reveals a lot about the wearer's personality. Now, I don't mean to imply that you're a superior human being for being fashionable (or deliberately not being fashionable, depending on your persuasion). All I mean is, like it or not, you can tell a lot about someone by the way they choose to present themselves to the world.

With this in mind, I ask myself: what am I to infer from the sartorial choices of the handsome gentleman pictured at left? That he might be kind of a douchebag? That he probably has some cheesy Chinese character tattoo under there somewhere? That he calls other guys "bro" and says awful clichéd things like "I'm not book-smart, but I'm street-smart"? That he buys Axe body spray by the gallon and drives a car in a fluorescent color?

Maybe not. But his shirt had me at "Hey bro."

Affliction GSP Justice Classic Fit Thermal, $68

Teenage Mutant Ninja Mary Janes

Dear sweet, innocent readers, I've done something terrible. Something I thought I would never, ever do. I bought a pair of those friggin' FiveFingers shoes. But wait! Before you delete my blog from your bookmarks and remove me from the Christmas card list, let me attempt to explain:

My initial reaction to these creepy little things, as you may remember, was pure horror. I did a little research and as it turns out, FiveFingers were created for a very specific purpose (i.e. fitness). I enjoy fitness. But I was not about to let function get in the way of vanity. Not yet.

I then had FiveFingers battle it out with my other loathed style of footwear, Crocs, in which FiveFingers tentatively "won."

Almost a year went by, and I began reading all this stuff on the benefits of barefoot running, plus a whole bunch of positive reviews, including one from one of my fave outdoor gear bloggers. I got curious. Am I missing out? Are the 'Fingers secretly awesome?

I casually mentioned trying them to my Marine husband, who has met some exceptionally fit people during his stint in the military. "They're so creepy," he said, and paused thoughtfully for a second. "Gunny Hernandez wears them, though, and Gunny is badass."*

That finally did it. I chose the Sprint, a cute Mary Jane style in black so that it wouldn't call any extra attention to itself, or so I rationalized. (In hindsight, who am I kidding? I look like a platypus.) I wore them on my walk to and from work, three miles round trip, two days in a row. My mind was made up. They are secretly awesome. Just don't look down.

*For all you civilians out there, "Gunny" is a term of endearment for "Gunnery Sargeant," a badass-sounding rank if I've ever heard one. Also, "badass" is probably one of the highest compliments one could ever receive from my husband. I'll admit, I find it adorable.