Two nights ago, I received a rather urgent message via Facebook from my friend Carolyn (who you'll remember as the knitter fundraiser extraordinaire). Stream Sons of Anarchy now, it read. Holy hotness. Carolyn, you've always been such a great friend to me. If I could ever give you anything in return, it would be a beautiful man with long hair. Enjoy.
Image: The Geek Files
I must admit I nearly breezed right over this week's Dumb Model Poses nomination from the February issue of German Vogue. The model in question, Karmen Pedaru, was not hanging upside down covered in metallic body paint and eating a shoe, so initially, there was nothing to grab my attention. In fact, I felt like I'd seen this pose thousands of times before. Probably because I had seen this pose thousands of times before in different iterations, but recycling what is essentially the same clichéd formula. I would venture a guess that the intent was to make this photograph sexy and alluring, glamorous, or maybe even a little provocative. It's none of that. It's the photographic equivalent of yourr first high school boyfriend; it just tries too hard. The flowing hair, the parted lips, the oil (just when did oily skin make a comeback?), and the spread-eagle pose is so hyper-sexualized and over-the-top that it's a caricature of itself ... and about as sexy as a vibrating hotel bed.
Image: Fashionising
I don't think I'm really going out on a limb to say that romantic comedies are essentially all the same. They may be packaged in different ways; taking place in Seattle or Boston or Baltimore instead of the same-old same-old New York City setting, or a main character with an unusual profession, or a kooky first name, or - gasp! - curly hair. But this is as far as the genre dares to go and, much like gobbling down a fat-free cupcake, you don't know until the end how disappointing it actually is. I bring this up because a Netflix copy of My Best Friend's Girl was waiting for me in my mailbox on Friday afternoon. I popped it in the DVD player, hoping for the best.
It was ... meh. Okay, the scene with the eyebrows is pretty funny, and to be fair, I hated Dane Cook long before seeing this movie. Even so, it was just as formulaic as any other rom-com, but with more snarky men's slogan t-shirts. Which got me thinking: it's not just the script that's totally predictable, it's the fashion too! Here, the five most common themes I've found:
5. The hipster roommate/friend. This girl is two parts Daria, one part Anthropologie model, with a sharp wit and an even sharper haircut. I think you, the viewer, are supposed to pity her, because she's not feminine or conventionally beautiful and perhaps even a little bit nerdy and definitely a little bit bitter. May occasionally be substituted with Angsty Teenage Fashion Victim (same idea, just younger).
4. The career-obsessed woman's uniform. This woman cares about one thing, and that's her high-stress career. She's an ad exec, a wedding planner, a journalist, a cook, but no matter; she's usually running about like world peace depends on choosing the right kind of buttercream frosting. What does she wear while she steps on toes and condescends to her underlings? Why, a fitted, stiff white button down shirt, of course, along with the requisite slim fit pencil skirt, spiky high heels, and straightened hair. Sense of humor? What's that? This lady is Type A all the way. That is, until she meets the One. Because then, it's all about ...
3. The bombshell dress. This is what our heroine wears on the the first "big" date. It's the dress that got Richard Gere to fall in love with Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman; it's the dress that made Freddie Prinze, Jr. realize Rachel Leigh Cook wasn't such a dork after all in She's All That; most importantly, it's just enough T&A to convince guys to see it with their girlfriends - voila! Date movie.
2. The makeover montage. The hipster friend is usually involved in this scene which also includes whatever feel-good pop music is popular at the moment. This, of course, is with the exception of the makeover in The Devil Wears Prada. That was awesome.
And the number one rom-com fashion theme:
1. The wedding dress. The obvious conclusion to a proper rom-com is to seal the deal in your family's backyard with only two weeks to plan, but with cakes to taste and dresses to fit and ice sculptures to carve and live decorative swans to order ... not to mention finding The Perfect Dress! It's never said, but I suspect this is where our heroine reverts back her Type A roots.
Image: Claire Folger for AllMoviePhoto.com
From IMDb.com : When his brother is killed in battle, paraplegic Marine Jake Sully decides to take his place in a mission on the distant world of Pandora. In exchange for the spinal surgery that will fix his legs, Jake gathers intel for the cooperating military unit spearheaded by gung-ho Colonel Quaritch, while simultaneously attempting to infiltrate the Na'vi people with the use of an "avatar" identity. While Jake begins to bond with the native tri ... oh, hello there, hey, hi. Hello! Hadn't seen you sitting there. Have you been here long? Oh, hey, nice to meet you Jake. No, I have a few minutes to chat, it's cool. You're awfully cute in a tortured hero kind of way. Former Marine you say? Well, well. No, actually to be honest, your movie looks kinda boring. It's just that you spend so much time as that funny-looking flat-nosed blue guy. It's not a good look for you, really. Hey, what do you say we blow this popsicle stand and grab a drink? My treat. Just wear your cammies and meet me at the car.
Image: Manny the Movie Guy
A thoughtful exploration into how perceptions of beauty are relative [Apocalypstick Now]
Fashion and romantic relationships: not as disparate as you might think! [Daddy Likey]
If you want to know the color of my bra, you're going to have to do a lot better than some Facebook meme. Complimenting my shoes and pouring me a glass of cab, on the other hand, would be a nice start. [Jezebel]
Sometimes I feel like the only person in the world that doesn't "get" Lady Gaga. So, naturally, her appointment to creative director at Polaroid Imaging Products seriously disappoints me; partly because I think she's tacky and her music is nails on a chalkboard, but also partly because she is, in effect, taking a position away from someone who might actually need it. I don't think I need to begin another sentence with "In this economy ..." to drive this point home, do I? [Engadget]
Image: Amazon.com
Self-absorption! Navel-gazing! Hypocrisy! Delusion! All of these things and more graced this month's heavily perfumed pages of Vogue; and to manage all of this in a measly 140 pages, well, that must have been no small feat. Some high(low?)lights:
Lanvin designer Alber Elbaz reveals just how out-of-touch with reality he really is with this little gem on the current state of the fashion industry:
"Why does every girl over five feet tall and age thirteen want to be a model?" he asked. "Why don't they ever want to be a seamstress?"
I would attempt to pick up the pieces of my shattered brain and comment on this myself, but dear Wendy from Glossed Over says it best, as usual:
"Yeah! Why be the beautiful woman who wears the clothes when you could be the poorly paid one who makes them?"
So, okay, I get it. Not everyone can be a model. But! One model - Lara Stone - seems to have slipped in under the radar, daring to wear designer clothing in runway shows despite being a morbidly obese size four:
" ... it's not easy being a four in a land of zeroes .... "It's depressing when the clothes don't fit and you are always the odd one out," says Stone.
That is, until you step out of that microcosm of society known as the "fashion world" and into the "regular world," where you are still taller and thinner and more conventionally attractive than almost everyone. Must be rough. Oh, but there's more!
"People think I'm angry because of my face, or that I'm a sex bomb. I'm neither."
Yeah, I get that a lot, too.
But enough about Lara Stone's problems, let's move on to what's wrong in Sarah Jessica Parker's life! She says:
"Fashion is my fatal flaw; it is my weakness."
Said with that special brand of narcissistic melodrama that celebrities have effectively mastered. Yawn.
Finally, for us ladies not smart enough to understand the complicated ins and outs of basic oral hygiene, we are given a fashion metaphor to explain what happens when we don't brush our teeth:
"Think of your gum as a little turtleneck collar around the tooth ... basically, if you don't get the bacteria out within 2-3 days, that nice turtleneck collar becomes like a loose cowl neck, opening a pathway for bacteria ..."
That's certainly an appealing visual, isn't it? Now I'm going to brush my teeth, just as soon as I donate all my turtleneck sweaters to Goodwill.
Image: Glossed Over
